Sarahindie

Oh my God. I am overwhelmed. I turned on the live stream in the middle of the pre-tape awards. They go fast as hell, probably an award every three minutes. Every one minute if the person is still on the carpet. This is true of both of the awards Kings of Leon wins, both the Best Rock Song and Best Rock Group Performance for “Use Somebody.” I kind of can’t believe that they beat Pearl Jam, U2, Green Day and Bruce Springsteen. I would have loved to see their acceptance speech. But alas. Also, Imogen Heap won Best Engineered Album Non-Classical, and she engineered it herself!

Now I’m watching the live feed from the red carpet on grammys.com. I really hope MGMT wins so you can all see how they are wearing phenomenal wallpaper pattern suits.

The broadcast begins with a gigantic Gaga setpiece, about how she’s a monster or something and the Fame Factory can make more or whatever. She then gets dumped into a boiler and comes out covered in soot with Elton John, who is also covered in soot. And wearing glasses that are so covered in diamonds that he can’t see. And a giant earring. Just one. But it’s really big. Man, I dunno. For the first time, her face is uncovered, and on network, where they’re going to close up on her face. It takes apart a lot of her carefully constructed persona, and I don’t think she meant for that. Now she’s just a girl with a big nose and a talent on the piano.

Stephen Colbert is adorable. Having him monologue the beginning was a really great idea.

It’s odd that Oh, hell. Kings of Leon just lost Song of the Year to Beyonce. I really want them to give a speech. I hate that their fame means that they had to go down the A carpet, which means they missed the whole pre-telecast and both of their opportunities to speechify while (probably) drunk.

Oh my. J. Lo is wearing a silver minidress covered in a tablecloth. She sounds kind of choked up introducing the cast of American Idiot and Green Day. Also, the cast is acting, like this is an excerpt from the show. I think they have confused the Grammys and the Tonys. Unpopular opinion: I think the original version is better. It’s a great rock song. I’m just not a huge fan of Broadway. When Mike Dirnt starts acting, looking stoic at the girl singing in his face, I laugh so hard that I almost injure myself.

Hmm. It appears that Kristen Bell is wearing a harness of some kind. It completely obscures her neck.

Beyonce is performing with a phalanx of riot police. No idea why. They’re just standing there. They seem to be partly there to keep the attendees from getting out of their seats and touching her or something. But the first rows is all VIPs. I don’t think Weird Al poses a threat. Then in the middle, she busts out with the first verse/chorus of “You Oughta Know.”

For reasons we don’t understand, Seal is announcing the Lifetime Achievement Award for Leonard Cohen. He enters the stage to the strains of “Kiss from a Rose.” Meaning he was last relevant fifteen years ago.

Pink sings while hanging from a trapeze and sounds phenomenal. Even after she is wet and spinning. I think India.Arie is crying.

Miranda Lambert and Keith Urban give out another Lifetime Achievement award, to Loretta Lynn, and the Trustees Award to the director of the show. He cannot give a speech, because he is working.

The Black Eyed Peas come out dressed like the robot from Bicentennial Man and sing the most boring song I have ever heard in my life. This is why we built up a buffer. Fast forward!

Hey! It’s the Jonae! They come out of three different doors. They introduce Lady Antebellum. Oh, look! It’s Kaley Cuoco from Big Bang Theory! I think every CBS show got to send someone.

Another Lifetime Achievement Award! This one’s for Bobby Darin. What? I mean, should there be this many each year?

Anyway, it’s time for what I’ve been waiting for forever! A Kings of Leon acceptance speech!! “Not gonna lie, we’re all a little drunk, but we’re happy drunk.” They are the most adorable!

Robert Downey Jr. is introduced by the narrator as “The most self-important actor of his generation.” He introduces a completely weird thing. Jamie Foxx is singing “Blame It on the Thong”, backed up a mini-orchestra. The crazy conductor of the orchestra is secretly T-Pain in a wig. Then Doug E. Fresh beatboxes. And then Slash plays a guitar solo while a fat girl dances. Man, I give up.

Justin Bieber is presenting with Ke$ha. He seems flustered, she seems unimpressed. I think she’s trying to be seductive, but she looks slightly crazy.

Katy Perry and Alice Cooper are presenting another Trustee’s Award. This is diluting the brand. Also, her dress is probably supposed to be flesh colored, so it looks like she’s wearing nothing, but in fact it looks like she’s wearing a very modest tan dress. They announce Best Rock Album and it goes to Green Day. Well deserved.

Oh God. Another Trustee Award to a Nashville studio musician named Harold Bradley. Part of the reason this is diluting the power of the award is because each presentation takes less than a minute.

Ryan Seacrest comes onstage to the tune of “Ready Steady Go.” Random. Also, Taylor Swift is wearing a peasant blouse and tights. Based on the scope of everyone else’s performance, I expect her extremely small setup, band gathered in close in front of backdrops, to drop away and become something huge. But it doesn’t. She does a song and then Fleetwood Mac shows up to sing “Rhiannon” with her. Stevie Nicks’ microphone is draped in thin silver chains, as are her fingerless gloves. On “Rhiannon,” Taylor sounds awful. Like she’s maybe singing out of her range? Oh no. Now Fleetwood Mac is going to back her up on one of her songs. Considering the gap in subject matter between Stevie and Taylor, Stevie’s indulgent grin is earned. This is the last scene of a movie where Taylor, who is trying to make it on her own out of the shadow of her famous mother Stevie Nicks, and then they reconcile and sing together. I never go to those kinds of movies.

Michael Jackson’s tribute performance is in 3D. I don’t have 3D glasses, so it just looks like Celine Dion is out of phase and my tv is busted. Okay! This is what I was talking about! Michael Jackson is getting a Lifetime Achievement Award. This would be more powerful if they hadn’t already handed out half a dozen of these. Prince and Paris appear to be dressed in little Michael Jackson costumes. Also, while accepting the award, Prince reminds me rather of Corey Haim.

Now a guy is winning the President’s Award of Merit for Industry Icons. By the end of the night, everyone in the Staples Center will have gotten an award. Bon Jovi sings three full songs.

Mos Def looks unusually awkward next to Placido Domingo. He’s also dressed like he’s going to college in the 1950s. Oh my God. Another Lifetime Achievement Award. I think this one went to Andre Previn, but I’ve lost interest.

I am uninterested in the Rap/Sung Collabo category since Twitter already told me that “I’m On a Boat” lost.

Wyclef brings us greeting from Haiti. The best thing about the Grammys is the awkwardness in seating. Every shot of Jay-Z shows Al Yankovic across the aisle. P!nk is sitting in front of Patton Oswalt.

For Haitian relief, Andrea Bocelli is singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water” in Italian. I have no idea either. But he sounds amazing, because he’s Andrea Freaking Bocelli. I don’t know if he’s ever had an off night. Mary J. Blige sounds good, but it’s two different kinds of diva, his wavering opera diva and her belting.

Another President’s Merit award to the co-executive producer. The president of the Academy is giving his speech. It is all over the place. A sentence about Haiti, a sentence about arts education, and a long bit about how we shouldn’t steal music because blah. Then he brings up Adam Sandler to introduce Dave Matthews. Probably the best match of performer and presenter all night. When Dave starts dancing, things fall apart. In the sense that it’s kind of embarrassing.

Hey! Guess what! Another Lifetime achievement award! This one for Honeyboy Edwards. He looks spectacularly unimpressed.

Why are the musical performances so long? Everyone is doing their current single, then an old song with the original artist, and then their nominated song.

Then the People Who Died marathon. Gaga has changed into a clear shirt with sparkles on it, under a really uncomfortable silver jacket and a matching lightning bolt/Fortress of Solitude headpiece. She looks unhappy. I would be too. She is sitting in front of MGMT, probably the only VIPs who wouldn’t complain, as they are no stranger to weird clothing choices. Jigga wouldn’t let his view be blocked like that.

Jeff Daniels is introducing Jeff Beck playing a tribute to Les Paul with Irish Rockabilly singer Imelda May. I didn’t know there were Irish rockabilly singers! I’m fascinated. Also, sleepy.

Quentin Tarantino is giving another Lifetime Achievement award and being … ghetto? I dunno, he’s hollering a lot about how rap is here to stay. But he’s dressed like a Reno mobster pushing 70. The performance is Travis Barker, Lil’ Wayne, Eminem and Drake. The young people in the audience get up to dance, including Taylor Swift. Awks.

Wow. There’s already a Harman ad touting their 2010 Technical Grammy.

I can never tell a John Legend song when it plays, but I like his personal style.

OMG! Will.I.Am brought his mom. She’s dressed up nice, old Black lady in church nice, and holding her purse on her lap. In the middle of the insanity of the Black Eyed Peas. AMAZING.

And Taylor Swift won the top prize. Maybe now Jay-Z will have her killed. I am so ready for bed, you guys.